CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: good girls go bad - cobra starship ft. leighton meester
inky confession ----> i am nice, but i can't say i'm not mean.

I admit to being quite a mean person. I'm mean to my friends, rude to those that aren't my friends, speak my mind when I am annoyed or angry, and often times, called a jerk when I am joking. But in truth, am I really.

It's a fun matter to ponder, as I really don't mind what the answer comes out to be. I don't mind if I really am all of the above. I am only human. I also know that as much as I can be cold, they can't say I'm not nice. But my curiosity makes me have a deeper view of this subject. Just who are we all. They say you can only truly tell someone's real side by the way they react in the worst situations. For me, I admit, I am not the nicest person during rough times. Infact, I'm quite.. cruel. I am blunt. Sometimes, I say things just to make people angry. I don't fully understand, but there's some pleasure I get out of it. I mess with people's minds.

But sometimes, it gets to me. Hearing your own words echo back into your head the moment you say them, you realize what others are hearing coming from you. For the slightest moment, I felt my angry vibe. I felt my meanness. It struck me pretty hard. It made me want to take my words back. But then it was gone. I felt that those words were well deserved. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to say it again. I felt it was well said. Spoken for the silent ones.

So really, is this an attitude that can be defined? You can't say I'm a bad person, nor a bad friend. I really do care for everyone that is considered a friend, I do things to make people happy, compliment and flatter people. Say things that I mean, love the ones that are to be loved. I swear I'm not those foul terms. There is a reason why my best friend can deal with me. I have been nothing but myself, with whatever comes to mind. Is there something that makes this loveable? Actually, maybe it is not loveable. Mabye it's looked down upon, hated on. I wouldn't know, because then again, a best friend is a best friend for a reason.

I am.. bittersweet, if you ask me.

-s.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: everytime - lincoln hawk
inky confession ----> i love it when i've got things in control.

happy mothers day.
hm. i like this song i'm listening to, even though it's quite repetitive. it was really a tough song for me to get ahold of, but now i remember the reason why i wanted it so badly. the lyrics mean something to me.

surprisingly, things feel in place. it's like i have the next few weeks under my grasp, under control. i know what my plans are, and all i have to do is live it out. i mean, there's still things i wish that were different. metaphorically speaking, the photoshoot's a few people short. but the big picture looks great. so instead of moping around, i'm going to choose to admire the big view.

it feels really good to think ahead to the events of the future, when you know what they are. in a couple of weeks, school will be out and i'll be free. free to do whatever i please to do. i can finally breathe. to just step out of the water, instead of surfacing for a gulp of air. literally, i think of the weekends as an escape. then those schoolweeks as another imprisonment in h2o. well, it's really not that bad, but i'm referring to the nonstop workloads.

oh, and today's mother's day. love your moms. as annoying as moms are, there's a whole day dedicated to them for a reason. k.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: girlfriends ringtone - vice grip
inky confession ----> if it aired everyday, consider me obsessed.

so if you've ever wondered what my guilty pleasure is.. here it is.
i can't get enough of this show.

irresistibly scandalous.
and such a gorgeous cast.



^ ed westwick as chuck bass.

^ chace crawford as nate archibald.

^ the guy cast.


it makes me happy.

ninjas. refridgerator. mini-fridge. freezer. ice. techno. hardcore. rave. swine flu. sick. llama. inbox. tea. walrus. popsicle. icecream. forever. book. sleep. fish. homework. team.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: candle - the white tie affair
inky confession ----> forget my brain, my soul's here to enjoy the moment.

a second of happiness is worth an hour of trouble. the logic doesn't make sense, but it's the way our mind is programmed to work automatically. now if i had sense in me and used my brain, i could prevent myself from wasting my energy on such pointless pleasures in life. but i'm lazy.

what i'm trying to say is, i continue to want toys that are broken. then once it all ends up in the 'old&broken' pile, as expected, i spend another hour trying to fix up the pieces& rid the mess, ending up with nothing but cuts on my fingers. speaking in metaphorical terms, of course. not sure if anyone but i would understand what i'm writing about. but if you do, then you would understand that this is just a man vs. man, internal conflict. or in simpler words, confusion.

i'd write more about it, but i just lost my train of thought. so here's to starting a new one;


-s.