Tired. I've been getting more than enough sleep. 12+ hours, and then some..? And still want more. When this happens, it's obvious I'm going through something troubling. Illness or whatnot? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just my body's way of telling me that I'm not feeling all that well.. emotionally.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: rain - matt palmer
inky confession ----> maybe this is for the best. i don't really know.

It's 3:30 a.m, and I'm writing this for a reason.

Just to say that you're still special to me. I'm sorry I acted like GG was more important than you, but you would know that that's not the real case. Only you'd know how much I'm genuinely addicted to the show. It seems that even after I thought things had ended, it didn't seem to be that case. I thought that maybe keeping a distance between us would be for the best. Especially since I thought you'd hate me after ChristmasEve. Though, you still talk to me, and we had our latenight convo like we used to. Until one of us was too tired and decided to go to sleep.. which would usually be you. Lol.

It takes a good amount of peace and quiet - the time when everyone's asleep - for me to realize that despite my changed moods, I still care for you. It was never that I stopped caring for you.. I thought I did. I just felt overwhelmed.. with everything that's been going on. I didn't even know why, I just knew things like how I felt, had changed. I was out of happiness, and just thought that breaking from all the things that had made me happy, would help me regain it. It's pretty messed up. But it's working.

I actually felt like tonight, things have actually gone back to normal for once. It felt like how it used to feel. Is that a sign that maybe this was the right thing to do? Or that maybe things have changed, and I prefer it this way? I wouldn't know. All I know is that happiness should be kept above all others. Even if the change would be hard and bring you down..

We've been friends for a full year now. Now that it's the end of one year, I can get to think back to the beginning. You've been such an impact. Well, I know I brought change upon myself because I wanted to. But it was you that helped me realize I had the potential; you were my strength. Maybe you still are.. There's been lots going on in my head these past few days. I just hope that whatever happens, I'll continue to do what's right for me. I'm choosing to live my life by moments now. Whatever makes me happy, is what I'll do. I just hope that whatever path that may be, that it'll include you.

-s.

merry christmas.

to some, this day is the day of gift giving; a celebration of the lord jesus' birthday. to others, this day is simply a day to celebrate with family and friends. regardless of beliefs or tradition, this day holds a deeper meaning for each one of us.

sometimes, the gift you give yourself may not always be a one-way passage to happiness. though ultimately, it may be for the better.

best wishes to all.

-s.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: empire state of mind - jay-z
inky confession ----> i don't know if i'm good enough, but i'm trying so hard.

so i've been doing some serious thinking these past few days. or. .dreaming, at least.

i'm at this point in my life where i feel like, it's not all about the process anymore. i've spent the first 15 years of my life, processing, planning, and dreaming. how much time would it have taken me to realize that reality has finally caught up? i feel it now, tugging at the hem of my sleeve. it wants something, and it's not going to wait another 15 years. it wants results.

i've spent my whole life with this one goal, this one dream in mind. everything i've ever done was planned - carefully thought over - for a reason. my parents raised me to ensure i wouldn't miss out on anything. they've given me more than they've ever had. they've given me opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, to try and get me my dream. it's become their dream to see me achieve mine. i've grown up wanting the ivy league, and i want it even more now. that's right. the eight internationally known, incredible schools that most would only dream of going to.

with each passing day, i think my time's getting shorter. i need results. i need to prove i'm good enough. and who even says i am? sure, i've worked my whole life to try and get myself an inch nearer to my dreams. but as time moves on, the fear of failure increases. my parents are my biggest pressure. that, and myself. they've spent so much money on me, to get me where i am today. with all this weight on my shoulder, college is the top-priority in my life. i'm not getting my hopes up though, because i know how tough it is to get in. however, admittance is possible, even with unfair-game.

it's about who i want to be, where i want to go, and most importantly, how i'm getting there. these days are no joke anymore. i've had my time to talk, laugh, and brainlessly plan my so called 'future'. now it's time to take action. it's time to move forward. i've been loitering around this whole year, saying things i never do, starting things i never accomplish, and letting myself off easy. .

my parents have really helped me these past few days. even though i've had my fair share of time slamming doors, cursing, and getting myself in more trouble than i could handle, they've opened my eyes to reality. it hit me pretty hard. i really need to know where i'm headed, or what i'm doing. i guess i've had a late wake-up call, but there's no better time to start than now. climbing the ranks is a start.

so, if i end up not becoming the person i want to be.. then who am i really?
i'm trying so hard, but i just don't think i'm good enough anymore.
it's time to move forward. . . which means it's time to try harder.

-s.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: silver bells - relient k
inky confession ----> my favorite time of year.

It feels as if life's at a standstill. People bustling everywhere, yet, not a single mind has progressed any further. Everyone's in the same state-of-mind, ready for the holidays. We're all in that mode, whether school likes it or not.

With that being said, my brain's not much of a thinker at the moment.

These last few days have been pretty crappy. I still need to pull myself together, get with it. There's been an increase in the cramming and the workload, as well as less sleep. But I say it's worth the Winter Break. I really can't wait any longer. My mind jumps out of my head in excitement at the thought of the Holidays coming up.

Even if some aren't on a tight schedule, everyone deserves this time of year. It's a good time to rethink your priorities in life, and to hold onto them. Most of those would include family and good friends. It's time to reconnect with those that weren't meant to be away, and acknowledge others that may be of importance.. spend time with loved ones. (:

-s.