CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: empire state of mind - jay-z
inky confession ----> i don't know if i'm good enough, but i'm trying so hard.

so i've been doing some serious thinking these past few days. or. .dreaming, at least.

i'm at this point in my life where i feel like, it's not all about the process anymore. i've spent the first 15 years of my life, processing, planning, and dreaming. how much time would it have taken me to realize that reality has finally caught up? i feel it now, tugging at the hem of my sleeve. it wants something, and it's not going to wait another 15 years. it wants results.

i've spent my whole life with this one goal, this one dream in mind. everything i've ever done was planned - carefully thought over - for a reason. my parents raised me to ensure i wouldn't miss out on anything. they've given me more than they've ever had. they've given me opportunity, the chance of a lifetime, to try and get me my dream. it's become their dream to see me achieve mine. i've grown up wanting the ivy league, and i want it even more now. that's right. the eight internationally known, incredible schools that most would only dream of going to.

with each passing day, i think my time's getting shorter. i need results. i need to prove i'm good enough. and who even says i am? sure, i've worked my whole life to try and get myself an inch nearer to my dreams. but as time moves on, the fear of failure increases. my parents are my biggest pressure. that, and myself. they've spent so much money on me, to get me where i am today. with all this weight on my shoulder, college is the top-priority in my life. i'm not getting my hopes up though, because i know how tough it is to get in. however, admittance is possible, even with unfair-game.

it's about who i want to be, where i want to go, and most importantly, how i'm getting there. these days are no joke anymore. i've had my time to talk, laugh, and brainlessly plan my so called 'future'. now it's time to take action. it's time to move forward. i've been loitering around this whole year, saying things i never do, starting things i never accomplish, and letting myself off easy. .

my parents have really helped me these past few days. even though i've had my fair share of time slamming doors, cursing, and getting myself in more trouble than i could handle, they've opened my eyes to reality. it hit me pretty hard. i really need to know where i'm headed, or what i'm doing. i guess i've had a late wake-up call, but there's no better time to start than now. climbing the ranks is a start.

so, if i end up not becoming the person i want to be.. then who am i really?
i'm trying so hard, but i just don't think i'm good enough anymore.
it's time to move forward. . . which means it's time to try harder.

-s.